A Letter To Me (2016).

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Hey you, remember me?

I know this past year has been a little harder for you than time before. I know you feel like everything that you thought you knew has been turned upside down, and you’re left to pick up the pieces. I’m not here to tell you that you’re wrong.

Remember all those dreams you had growing up? And remember how deep in your soul you believed you would achieve them all?

Where did that belief go?

Instead you’ve replaced all the hope with despair, all the joy with grief, and all the dreams with guilt. I get it, I do. This is the moment in your life where all the “stuff” you’ve built up inside of your head now has to work, and you’re scared.

You’re scared that when you actually believe in yourself and fail, that every little piece of you will break. You’re scared that not even trying means that all you wanted to be can stay up bottled inside, in the most idealistic way you imagined, instead of coming to light messier and more unperfected than you wanted.

So, instead of being okay with whatever the outcome is, you’ve chosen to become paralyzed in life.

I’ll be the first to tell you that it might not all be you. Some of it might be little pieces of you that aren’t quite working right and that need a little extra help. But a lot of it is you. That’s overwhelming, huh?

But think of it this way, if it’s you…

You can change it.

Calm down. I’m not talking about making a decision right now and it be done. Oh, you’re now changed. It’s a lot more than that.

I mean that you can take a teensy tiny step every day to work towards something better.

You want more out of your life than this, right?

I thought so.

And some days, it’ll feel like those monsters hiding in the dark aren’t hiding at all, and you’ll feel like you took a few steps back after only one step forward, but keep at it.

You’ve got this.

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This past year for me was about turning everything I thought I knew on its head, and trying to figure out where the pieces of who I am fit. I think the growing up years for a lot of people are filled with insecurity. You don’t know who you want to be or what you want to do. But for me, it’s been the opposite. My growing up years were filled with my biggest dreams and loftiest goals. And now I’m at this point in my life. I’m 22 years old.

And you’re saying I have to go do what I’ve been dreaming up all of my life?

It’s a scary place to be.

Somehow, somewhere I’ve lost the ability to believe in myself. I’ve become an adult that feels younger than any other point in my life.

And while I’m being so cynical, when did I become so freakin’ hard on myself?

I’ve spent more time this year doubting myself, experiencing emotional and (as a result) physical pain, and losing sight on my dreams than actually just living life. I’ve become caught up in what society and other people think I should be, feel, and do.

“Hey, you need to actually go to school and be social, there’s nothing for you here.”

“Hey, it’s all in your head.”

“Hey, life is only going to get much harder, so get over it.”

“Hey, who do you think you are to feel like you deserve this? You don’t deserve anything.” 

“Hey, is your life even worth anything?” 

“Hey, stop crying so much.” 

And somehow through this muck inside my head, I’ve lost every little piece of me.

When I created this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could put all I am into one beautiful place. I wanted other people who feel the way I do to find ways to be who they wanted to be here, with me. I wanted to create a community of bright minded, unique, creative, magical souls. I wanted to make sweet new friends.

I still do. But instead of just enjoying the small moments of victories and letting go of any defeat, I gave up on myself before I could even truly start.

When I was younger, it broke my heart every time I heard a friend whisper something hateful about themself. Now, all I’ve done is spew hate at me. And through the fog, and the dark nights, and so much doubt, I’ve failed myself.

I’ve failed the one person who is there for me always: me.

I want to say that I am going to decide to change, but unfortunately, a lot of the way I feel isn’t just fixed by a decision. Healing yourself takes work. I can’t just spend hours in bed feeling the depression that has a firm grip on my heart and decide to be happy the next day, I can’t go through my entire life with those panic attacks that creep up on my whenever they feel like it and then just decide they don’t exist anymore.

But I can say that I am tired of these feelings inside of me. I can say that I know they will always walk beside me, but they don’t have to lead the way. I can say that I am the only one who can change my life. And I can say that I am so sick of feeling this way that I am willing to do almost anything.

I won’t say that there still won’t be bad days, just like I won’t say that sometimes I enable them.

But I am saying now that I will do my best to say hello to the light, and find a way to let the darkness go.

I’m starting 2016 by doing something that I have never done before. I believe that healing starts with what you put into your body, so for me, this is my perfect first step. It’s called the elimination diet.

The elimination diet involves not eating dairy, gluten, wheat, soy, sugar, chocolate, peanuts, corn, red meat, and a whole list of other things. Sure, it’s focused on eliminating, but the real goal is about adding whole foods to enrich your body. So I’m not really eliminating anything at all, I’m just making space for the truest forms of food to nourish me best. I’ve always considered myself a rather healthy eater, but when time gets tough, I lose all sense of anything leafy and green and instead depend on anything that is made up of purely sugar. Feeling out of control of your body is one thing, but being out of control of your mind is terrifying. I want to find control, or better yet, find a way to be okay without control. And to do that, I have to make sure that I am doing everything I can to make it easier on myself.

I’ve decided that since I started blogging with a food blog, I would go back to my roots some and share any good meals I figure out how to make. Through this blog,I want to create delicious food that makes me feel good and I also want to translate my way of eating into my way of life. I want my fashion posts, or beauty posts, or travel posts, or any type of post to bounce off the page and go deep inside of your (yes, you!) soul and speak to you in a way nothing else can. 

I want to become the woman I dream to be. And I want this space to be everything it can be.

I want my life to be as successful as my wildest dreams.

Thanks for listening, and happy 2016!